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Editorial: 25 Superheroes As Athletes

By Steve Monnich, reporter

   On the internet today you can find an article that will discuss pretty much every angle of comic books.  You can find a matchup between any two characters created between 1939 all the way up until yesterday, and of course by “matchup” I mean fighting, kissing, or starting a small business together.  More and more hypotheticals make their way into the community as a way of making conversations last well beyond the “how bout that last issue, huh?!” So today I decided to meld two of my favorite communities, sports and superheroes.  With the summer Olympics days away, why not come up with your own superhero dream team? Below you will find my list of superheroes who, given the chance, would absolutely DESTROY their competition!

1.       Apache Chief, NBA, New York Knicks – Eh-Neeek-BLOCK! In a sport known for giant men, no one would stand out more than a guy who could grow to preposterous heights.  He would have the career block record in his first season. Sorry Dikembe Mutombo, there is a new chief in town!

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“Man, he’s 20 feet tall! We’re never gonna get to play!”

          2.       Shadowcat, Dodgeball, (enter professional dodgeball team here) – Like I even need to explain this one. The goal of the game is to hit people with the ball, her power is to let physical matter through her.  Kitty Pryde would be the PRIDE of her team.  See what I did there!?

And she has a dragon. White Goodman didn’t have a freakin’ dragon.

3.       Hawkeye/Green Arrow, Olympic Archery, USA – These two are so similar we can count them as one.  As far as I know, trick arrows with nets and boxing gloves are not allowed, but I’m pretty sure these two are still talented enough to get the gold medal at this year’s Olympic games being held in Rio de Janeiro and/or Star City.

“Murica, Arrow?” “HELL YEAH HAWK!”

 

4.       Colossus, MMA,UFC 175 – To be frank, I would still put my money on Piotr Rasputin even before he turns into the metal monster he can be.  But AFTER, not a single armbar, rear naked choke or hip toss would do a damn thing.  Colossus’ opponent would be just as likely to hurt themselves attacking him as they would be if Piotr came at them full throttle.  Also I just want to hear Joe Rogan’s commentary on a Russian exploding into a metal slaughter beast at the start of a fight.

“I get idea from ‘Friends’ when Monica date John Favreau and he fight Tank Abbott…and Rocky IV. I must break you.”

5.       Black Panther, Soccer, Wakanda National Team – So clearly I could not pick an US hero for a soccer program despite its increased popularity during the World Cup.  So with Black Panther’s enhanced reflexes and his non-USness, I feel like he would make a stellar goalkeeper.  Just think, with Wakanda’s king in net, their national team could make it all the way to the round of 8 before losing to the Netherlands!

“Stay out of my goal box.”

6.       Incredible Hulk, Sumo Wrestling, USA SUMO – It was verrrrry close between him, the Blob and Juggernaut, but the Hulk was the only non-villain on the list.  After the events in Planet Hulk and all his gladiatorial battling, Sumo wrestling should be a walk in the park.  Plus Hulk in a diaper, HAHAHAHA!

“DIAPER MORE COMFORTABLE THAN PURPLE PANTS!”

7.       Nightcrawler, NFL, WR New England Patriots – When you can teleport vast distances in a fraction of a second, your 40-yard dash time is going to be just bonkers good.  However a few off the field issues (such as being a half demon) has him falling to the second round.  Bill Belichick of course is never one to worry about personality flaws (see: Randy Moss, Chad Ochocinco). Take a flyer on this guy in this year’s fantasy league!

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“Mit only having 3 fingers I still am better in clutch scenarios den the Jets, jah?”

8.       Ghost Rider, NASCAR, Sprint Cup Series – Not being a NASCAR fan myself, I have been told the part most people watch for is the flaming wreckage.  Well old Ghosty STARTS the race as flaming wreckage! Also maybe he can win a race or two, delighting/terrifying children everywhere, but no more so than Tony Stewart does already.

“SHAKE AND BAKE! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

9.       Wolverine, Hockey, Minnesota Wild – There is no way another hero is better suited to be a hockey goon more so than good old Logan. He has the perfect resume going for him…he’s Canadian! Also something about a metal skeleton and perfect healing factor.

It’s just natural that Wolverine would play for the Wolverines at some point. Color schemes already fit.

10.   Submariner, High Dive, Atlantis Olympic Men’s Team – Look could Aquaman participate here, sure.  So we have to get nitpicky.  Namor has those cute little wings on his ankles that allow him to fly, so when you are trying to stay in the air and do 57 flips, extra air time is useful. We also already know he is comfortable in a speedo. VERY comfortable…

“In my defense, from this angle, you can’t even tell IF I’m wearing a speedo ;)”

11.   Professor X, Chess, United States Chess Federation – This one comes very close to outright unfair cheating. The guy can read minds, plain and simple, which makes every human opponent obsolete. So maybe we pair him up against one of those chess playing computers just to make sure he’s as smart as he tells everyone he is. I’m on to you wheels!

“I used my telekinesis to shut down the super computer’s CPU so…there goes your theory on that. That’s game. Wheels.”

 

12.   Black Widow, Biathlon, Russian Olympic Team – Natasha is a sharp shooter, an expert with any firearm.  Also she is Russian, which leads me to believe that she knows what snow is.  Put those two things together and you get the Olympic biathlon! Shoot, ski, shoot, ski, shoot, etc!

“You forgot that I do poses like this. And have these things on my wrist that do whatever is convenient for the story.”

 

13.   Blade, Fencing, US Olympic Men’s Team – Blade could finally break some stereotypes with this one and once and for all shut up the haters saying that Half-Vampires have no place in this gentleman’s sport. That kind of old fashioned mentality has no place in modern day athletics. Plus enhanced speed and reflexes all but guarantee a win. USA! USA! USA!

“Someone’s always trying to ice skate up hill…wait, or sword fight up hill…I’m weak from lack of blood.”

 

14.   Captain Britain, Cricket, England Cricket Team – Because he’s British and therefore the only one who knows the damn rules! Something about a wicket, bowlers, qaffles and a seeker.  Wait, that might be Harry Potter. DOUBLE WAIT! I think I just proved my point!

“Cricket is a bloody mystery to the Yanks just like what my powers actually are. It’s quite sad, really. Quick, name one of my powers without going on Google. Yeah…that’s what I thought. Wankers.”

15.   She-Hulk, WNBA, Los Angeles Sparks – Truthfully the only thing that distinguishes She-Hulk from actual flesh and blood WNBA players is her green skin.  I also assume putting a Gamma-fueled rage beast into the lineup may actually result in someone in the WNBA dunking!

“You’re mad because She Hulk isn’t at practice? We’re talking about PRACTICE”

 

16.   Iceman, Male Figure Skating, US Olympic Men’s Team – HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But in all seriousness…HAHAHAHAHA! I guess he can do that ice glide thing so we know he is graceful on his feet. Also…HAHAHAHAHA!

What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now? He’d probably say “BOBBY DRAKE IS AN AMERICAN DREAM!”

17.   Aquaman, Triathlon, Ironman – Triathlons consist of 3 stages, swimming, bike riding and jogging.  Aquaman would win the swimming leg by sooooo much that we could all sit back and enjoy watching the king of the sea ride a bicycle like a doofus.

“I know how to ride a pike! They’re the ocean’s chariots!”

18.   Quicksilver, 100m Dash, US Olympic Men’s Team – Usian Bolt. It’s time we used our own showboat to take that joker down! Running at a fraction of his full speed, quicksilver could still shatter Bolt’s world record of 9.59 seconds.  And if the events in X-Men Days of Future Past are any indication, he will be eating hot dogs in the stands and throwing water in the competitor’s faces while he wins running backwards.

“Bolt…oh, I get it. That’s cute. In the time it took him to finish the race, I went to the local court house and changed his name to Slowly McLoses.”

 

19.   Flash, Marathon, Boston Marathon – On a little bit of a more serious note, Flash is a true American Hero and would represent us well in an event that has seen real life villains attack it.  Kenya stands no chance this year as flash cartwheels over the finish line two hours before the next closest finisher.

“eff terrorism. Freedom is wicked awesome.”

20.   Spider-man, Rock Climbing, Future Olympic Sport – Damn that Parker luck! Rock climbing is currently short listed to be an Olympic sport starting 2020, so hopefully our friendly neighborhood spider-man will have an event to call his own soon! However if this one doesn’t work out he could always pull out the old costume and revive his short stint as a professional wrestler. Why did he quit doing that again?! Something about being responsible for too much power or his uncle Ben never showed up to his matches? I don’t remember.

“Dead uncle jokes? Is this the kind of stuff this site lowers itself to? I’m gonna go talk to Gwen Stac…..oh…now I’m really sad.”

21.   Thor, MLB, Houston Astros – Technically Thor can’t fly without throwing his hammer, which (checking rulebook) yes you cannot bring onto the field.  So fielding we can stick him in the outfield, or perhaps on first base.  But the batting. OH the batting! Swinging that mighty Mjolnir, is good warm up for cracking a few into the stratosphere.

“ASTROS! This day hath dealt the Titan-Lords Yankees a sound and satisfying defeat! For the AMERICAN LEAGUE-nay-HOUSTON!”

22.   Daredevil, Uneven Bars, US Olympic Men’s Team – Blinded as a boy, Matt Murdock gained super radar senses and allowed him to become the Man without Fear! He practically swings around Hell’s Kitchen like his own personal gymnasium anyway, so doing it on stage for a gold medal is child’s play.  He’s so talented his opponents would never SEE him coming!

Daredevil sticks the landing and then awkwardly waits for someone to read him the judge’s score cards. Womp womp!

23.   Nightwing, American Ninja Warrior! – Coming from a family of gymnasts and being trained by Batman, maybe FINALLY we can get a damn American to get to the top of Mount Midoriyama. His skill set is specifically tailored to the world’s most difficult obstacle course, but still not enough to earn Bruce’s true respect.

“Even if I win, Batman will be like ‘you were reckless’ but I don’t see his old ass doing this. Wait, did he hear that? Oh crap…”

24.   Captain America, Discus, US Olympic Men’s Team – He wears the flag, throws a Frisbee shaped object and has more muscles than Lou Ferrigno. The only problem would be for the audience members directly in the path of his discus and GLORY! Also hopefully the IOC has the foresight to make sure he never, ever competes against Germany. Just a friendly heads up if you want everyone to live.

If this picture doesn’t make you want to salute the screen while humming “America the Beautiful,” you aint American.

 

25.   Superman, Ribbon Dancing, US Olympic Men’s Team – Ya know, with his power set I just couldn’t think of anything he would be good at in the world of sports. But his colorful outfit and personable demeanor lead fairly well to that gymnastic sport where you twirl the ribbon around. Sorry Supes, better luck next time!

Batman: “Really? Ribbon Dancing?” Superman: “It’s an artful form of expression and athleticism. BTWs, you’re not on the list.” Batman: “Damn”

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About Steven Monnich

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