"Do as you're told like an obedient lackey!"

After the opening credits to G.I. Joe: The Movie, with possibly the most obnoxious earworm of a theme song ever playing in the background, we see a masked woman appear from the water and basically kick ass all the way through Serpentor’s army until she’s face-to-face with the serpent master himself.  Who is this woman and what does she want from Cobra?

She explains she is Pythona and that when he was created, her face was etched into his soul and that she’s part of his destiny.  With that, she shows him a holographic image of the Broadcast Energy Transmitter, a device that can pump pure energy throughout the air – basically, the key to Earth’s energy crisis.  While the Joes intend to use it for this more noble purpose, ultimate baddie Golobulus – Pythona’s boss and the guy who apparently created Serpentor – wants it to mutate human beings into mindless beasts.  Where is this transmitter, you ask?  Where the good guys are, naturally – and with that, Serpentor heads out to destroy them and acquire the transmitter.

Meanwhile, the G.I. Joe team is getting ready to test the B.E.T. for effectiveness in some remote frozen mountainous area.  Just as they discover that it works, Cobra shows up and a firefight ensues.  Pythona’s crazy costumed army does some damage to the Joes, Serpentor is captured by the good guys and Flint leads a search party to find Roadblock’s captured unit – but the transmitter is safe (for now).

Back at Joe headquarters, Beachhead is training several new recruits for the team, including Duke’s half brother Lieutenant Falcon.  All are fairly capable, but Falcon apparently isn’t quite as interested in following rules of any kind…ever.  After a security breach in which Serpentor is freed because Falcon wasn’t at his station, he is shipped off to the “Slaughter House” for Sgt. Slaughter to whip him into shape.

Shockingly, though the Joes have all these crazy awesome weapons and security forces, not one but two Cobra members are able to gain access into their facility simply by wearing a wig and a helmet, respectively.  They figure out where the transmitter is being kept hidden and report back to their troops, allowing newly organized Cobra-La (led by Golobulus) to come in and steal the B.E.T. fairly easily.  Epic fail, Joes – epic.  There are several "good guy" injuries, Duke included.

With captured heroes, new recruits and his half brother Duke critically injured in battle, can the irresponsible, rebellious Lieutenant Falcon help lead the Joes to victory over Golobulus and keep the transmitter from wreaking havoc on the world?

Special Features

G.I. Joe: The Movie comes as a single-disc DVD with the following features:

– Knowing is Half the Battle PSAs – these are cartoon PSAs from the Joes, that remind you of things like “Have your eyes tested”, “Eat smart” and “Wear helmets for protection”.  There are eight in all and each one is quite amusing.
– Art Gallery – contains still of all the characters
– Original Script – if you put this DVD into your DVD-Rom on your computer, you will be able to open a file and read the original script.  

Overall

There are several plot holes and inconsistencies in this movie, along with some ridiculous dialogue.  Of course, it’s made for younger kids – I doubt they notice or care.  I imagine this is all very exciting for the young G.I. Joe fan, so it succeeds nicely in this frame of mind.

It’s cheesy and ever-so-patriotic, making it a classic G.I. Joe cartoon film.  At 90 minutes long, it’s a great movie to pop in and occupy your children on a rainy afternoon.

ComicsOnline gives G.I. Joe: The Movie 3.5 out of 5 "Go Joe!"s.

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