I began with a post that had to do with problems, because I had one! Surprise. It wasn’t a big one, just a generic one, so I decided to use Google Images to find a visual for “problem” and got lost in some pretty weird stuff. I’m afraid that this might have something to do with my personalized search algorithm, but I’m just going to blame it on Google’s dark, twisted soul instead. (You explain to me how that Japanimation makes any sense here, Google! I sure as hell didn’t ask for this…)
So without further ado, here are a few visual depictions of what Google thinks might be a “problem” I’m having:
Solving a Rubik’s Cube
Alright guys, this is pretty legit. I could be spending my time working out the flickering embers of my synapses and flexing my problem solving skills by shifting a colorful pattern of boxes around in my hands.
I have always wanted to complete a Rubik’s Cube in record time, toss it to the nearest bystander and casually tell them how easy it would be to break into that mainframe, because if movies have taught us anything it’s that fast Rubik’s Cube skills = BADASS GENIUS.
I Don’t Know
Again, this is a pretty fair image result. I’m a clueless human being and I might not actually know what my “problem” is. That’s probably why I’m consulting Google. The fact that I’m using image results just reinforces Google’s assumption that I may not be the brightest bulb in this chandelier called life and that a shrug may be their only true means of communicating with me.
This might also be Google’s way of telling me, “W.T.F.?”
Child Labor
Right again, Google. Child labor is a problem, but did you have to make it look so goddamn adorable? I mean, seriously…
Being Impaled by a Stomach Monster Thing
Let’s start with the positives. This is definitely a problem. I mean, a stomach monster busting the fuck out of your stomach would be a serious problem if we lived in a world where that is at all possible and especially if your name is Ripley. Unfortunately, it’s not a problem I’m likely to have unless you count that very special time every…you know what? We’ll just skip that. Let’s just say that Google is moving into strange territory and that this is not the “problem” I was looking for.
Face-Sharting a Man
Again, I think Google understands a very broad definition of “problem”. Although why they should think that sharting a man out of my eyes and nose would be something I’m likely to encounter is beyond me. Unless this is what actually happens when you sneeze with your eyes open….
Holy shit. Nope! A whole lotta fucking nope.
Bad Parenting
Now I just feel like Google is being judgey. Yes, this might be what my Friday night would look like were I to still have my 22-year-old figure and had you photoshopped out that box of wine I was carrying and inserted an adorable and soon-to-be emotionally damaged child into my arms, but I don’t need your shit right now, Google. You and my internal clock can just go fuck yourselves.
Now, will someone please find this child and give her a blanky and a hug?
Shwasty-ness
Considering the fact that I just yelled, “pour shots!” across my apartment on a Tuesday night this may be closer to the truth, but I’m still feeling a bit judged. I mean, come on Google, I am WAY classier than being fake drunk during the day in a black tube top and high heels and asking a friend to catch that perfect shot of an empty bottle of champagne nestled near my nether regions.
Who do you think you’re foolin’, ladies?
A Dragon Destroying a Satellite
I applaud Google’s forward-thinking in this particular situation. In the future, who knows? A dragon may, in fact, destroy a satellite that in turn hurtles down toward earth and threatens to crush my loved ones. Fortunately, in said future, I will have super-hero powers given to me by the toxic sludge seeping out from our sewers or possibly by the electromagnetic waves I ingested during my long love-affair with my microwave. In any case, I’m pretty sure that this dragon’s world will get fucked the fuck up and despite the epic casualties that will ensue, I will consider this a true heroic moment as all heroes do.
Thank you to all of the Totino’s pizza rolls, Hot Pockets, and chicken fingers that made this particular moment possible.
A special thank you to spicy ranch. I couldn’t have done it without you.
Fuck you, Google.
